What Do You Do When He’s Just Not That Into You?

I recently received an email from a reader, in which she…well…I’ve copied it for you to read below;

“Hi Debbie,

I recently got into a relationship that was everything I thought I wanted it to be, with a man who was caring and kind. He was respectful and thoughtful. He treated me in pretty much the way that every woman wants to be treated. Until one day, he just didn’t.


Don’t get me wrong, he didn’t turn into a battering monster. Far from it. For all intents and purposes, he’s still a very sweet guy. I could say that if his treatment of me was flat out aggressive, it would have been much easier for me to walk, no…RUN away from him. What he did was subtle, but abrupt at the same time. You see…this man was still having ‘issues’ dealing with the end of a past relationship. And instead of telling me the truth about that fact when I asked him, he denied it, telling me that it was ‘no longer an issue’. We carried on as before with no ‘real’ hiccups.

Until recently, he started feeling ‘different’ to me. He felt as though he’d simply shut down, leaving me feeling as though I’d walked into a room full of people who were talking about me, when we were together. There was no real affection, no more sleepovers. We still did things together, but it was painfully obvious to me that there was no ‘spark’ whatsoever at his end…no real interest.

So, one evening recently while we were having drinks, in my slightly inebriated state, I said, “You’re not into me anymore, are you?” He looked at me, completely confused, I guess probably surprised that I would ask, because he said, “Into you?” He looked puzzled, so I continued. “Yeah. Something’s ‘off’. You’re distant, and I’m guessing that whatever the issue is, it took place sometime in the last two weeks, but I’m feeling like you’re not at all attracted to me anymore…

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He admitted that he’s having ‘issues’ in general, but specifically, with how his last relationship ended, and he’s feeling like he’s ‘distancing himself’ from everyone because he’s not happy with where he ‘is’ at this point in his life, and certain things happened in that relationship that essentially had a ‘lasting impact’ on him. He denied not being attracted to me, but that didn’t make me feel better at all, since we hadn’t had sex in the previous two weeks, which is highly unusual for us.

This isn’t the first time he’s done this ‘disappearing act’ on me. Months ago, he told me that he still had some ‘residual feelings’ for his ex, and I stopped seeing him then. He never broke contact, and I just didn’t return his calls or texts. But after a few months, he asked if we could have a conversation in which he told me that he was essentially ‘over it’ (with his ex), and like a dumb ass, I believed him.

I’m pissed at him, but I’m more pissed at myself for taking his sorry ass back when I did. I haven’t told a living soul about our conversation, because I didn’t want anyone to know that I’d managed to get myself involved with this shit again.

I’ve already started “walking away” emotionally, because all of this is more drama than I’m willing to put up with, but I thought I’d ask you to see if you think I’m doing the right thing.

Thanks in advance 🙂 Amanda.”

Hey Amanda;

Wow. You want to know if I think you’re doing the right thing? Have you ever read anything that I’ve written?

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You sound like a smart woman, and I’m going to tell you that you should RUN not walk away from this man, and don’t EVER look back.

Don’t text him, don’t call him, don’t ‘check in’ with him, and don’t give him any more of yourself than you already have. He doesn’t deserve it.

A man who feels like he’s “not into you” because he’s distracted by ‘ex issues’ that he doesn’t admit to having (or worse, lies about it) until he’s managed to work his way into your heart, is off-the-charts-selfish. Let him go.

If he’s carrying ‘baggage’ (yeah I said it…BAGGAGE) from a past relationship, let him carry it alone.

This is a man who CANNOT be emotionally available to you, and there’s not a whole lot you can do about it.

What’s worse, if this is the second time that you’re dealing with this…with him (and I’m gonna call that “your bad” on a simple “fool me once” principle, but it sounds like you know that), he’s already proven that he is NOT able or willing to let go of the past long enough to give what you guys might have an honest chance, on the slim hope that his ex might have a change of heart, because THAT is what he’s really hoping and waiting for. He has nothing to give you that you want, and he’s already shown you who he is. So move on, and let him go and sort out his mess on his own.

There are plenty of men out there who won’t drag your heart through the emotional mud for the sake of distracting himself from his own messy business. Move forward and find one.

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Peace xo